A Path With Heart 3(flashback)

I have been at war with myself for the past few days. To making the decision of how far I am willing to go. To purge myself of the dark secrets I have festering in my soul I must commit myself to rigorous honesty. That's what life is all about right? Making a commitment? To be honest. To be compassionate for others as well as myself. To love all beings. To trusting and being trusted. To letting go. So I must let go. Before I tell this story I just want to reiterate that I in know way am placing blame on others for choices that I have made or choices that were beyond the control of those involved. I must tell this story though for to do not would negate all that I am pursuing. Forgiveness. Trust. Love. Healing. Peace. So here goes.

When I was around 9 years old I lived in a house in North Carolina with my mother and her boyfriend, my two older sisters, my mothers sister, her boyfriend, and her two sons. So yeah it was a pretty full house. It was a nice neighborhood on the outskirts of town and there were lots of fields and plenty of woods to run around in. All three of us boys were thicker than thieves. Less cousins and more brothers. We did everything together. Rode bikes. Played ball. Went swimming and of course the infamous dirt clod fights at a hill by the house. I remember watching Scooby Doo after school(and I loved school), easter egg hunts, christmas when all five of us kids received new bikes, and Halloweens where the candy from the neighborhood excursions would last for weeks afterward. Bags full! That was when it was still considered safe for three young boys to roam at dusk. Like pirates on a raiding party searching only for adventure and the long sought after buried treasure. They were truly magical times. There was also a park with a private community pool where we had gotten free pool passes from the owner of the complex. This for agreeing to stay out of an old dilapidated tree house he had built years ago for his son. It was near this pool, and this beautiful park that one day everything changed. It was near this pool, and this beautiful park with its woods and swings that a young man named Ken lived. Ken was much older than us boys. I was 9 and my cousins were 10 and 11. To this day I don't know for sure how old Ken was but he must have been between 20 and 25 years old. He had seen us running around the neighborhood for some time and eventually he approached us. Befriending us in the way of mischevious young boys with games of billiards, dirty jokes and giving us cigarettes and beers. Always making us promise that this would be are little secret. Little boys long to be men and the one thing they love is their own little secrets. Of course we were all very delighted by this. Pretending to be men. Of course he knew exactly what he was doing. With the kind of skill that only comes with practice he drew us in. We secretly hung out with Ken for quite some time and eventually the games became darker and we became more confused. He would always tell us to make sure we didn't tell what was going on because it was all our fault and that we would get into alot of trouble. Of course we believed him. I don't remember exactly how it happened but one day our parents did find out and it was all brought into the light. The terrible tragedy is nothing was ever done to Ken. The police weren't called. Us boys were never questioned. The whole matter was swept under the rug as if it never happened. To me this only ingrained the truth. Or what a nine year old boy perceives to be the truth. It was all my fault. It had to be didn't it? He didn't get into trouble for what happened so I thought our parents were trying to hide it from the police so us kids wouldn't go to jail. The really crazy part of this is that this whole episode brought back other memories. Memories of a family friend when I was around 3 or 4 years old. When these memories surfaced it proved to me that this really was all my fault. It had to be! It happened not once but twice! I was confused, scared, and felt so guilty but I was so afraid I didn't dare to try to talk about it to anyone. So I did what I did when my dad left. I tucked it down deep inside. Thinking that if I hid it away that would make everything ok. When I became older I became angrier and angrier that the grown ups that were supposed to protect me did nothing! How could they do nothing!?! That anger. That confusion. That despair. Still nobody to talk to. How could I tell anyone? They would know it was all my fault anyway. That boy is now this man. With the wisdom that comes with experience and age. Yes, I am only 36 but I have walked through the fires of hell. I am a survivior. I am still standing. I am learning the truth of the way things are. Not to hold on to the past. It's gone. Nothing to be done but learn it's hard lessons. Just do what's right and the future will tell itself. Resentments only allow people and things to continually hurt me again and again. I have forgiven Ken. I have forgiven the family friend. I have forgiven our parents. I am forgiving myself. Writing this is part of doing that. Allowing me to step outside of myself and see the truth. It wasn't my fault. I will continue to share my story with the hope that it will help some one else that is suffering. To know that they are not alone. For this is my path. A path with heart.

Here is a link for freedom:

http://digital-dharma.net/addiction/

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